When dark days come the accompaniment has to be doubt.
Because if all that I believe about God is true then how is it that I have been left here.
I wonder if I've missed the point, if it's time to abandon church and go find something I want. I wonder if a nothingness would be better than His Holiness.
And I cease praying. I cease consciously praying. Because when I do Its a vacuum of uninterrupted silence.
When everything in me wants to turn around and walk away I end up down at the core of who I am. And there is where I find that seed of faith.
So small I could have easily missed it. Somehow I realise that my struggle is not over whether God exists or not but how on earth He thinks I'm going to emerge alive.
Because that seed of faith, whilst it may doubt every single thing that I have ever known to be true, it holds on to the truth that God is God and He is good.
Therefore, even as I find myself remaining in bed, even as productivity and life and hope comes to a halt. I breathe in slow. And then I breathe out.
And there I find the breath of God. Because while I am not soldiering forward: I have not ceased. While I am not feeling victorious: the victory is that I have not stopped. While I do not know what to wear: I get up, I shower, and I dress for battle.
God does not stop being God. I do not stop being loved. Jesus does not lose His victory.
I may be at the end of myself but, in His Holy Mystery, God meets me there and makes me whole.
He make all things new. He speaks truth. He is King.
It is not by my understanding. May His Kingdom come, may His will be done.
May His victory be truth that I stand in.
I may be down but I refuse to be defeated.
I choose life. I choose light. I choose truth.
And hope. And peace. I choose love and freedom and joy.
I choose Jesus. I choose God as King.
Because whilst these things remain whether I choose them or not this is what my breathing in and my breathing out, my sleeping and my waking up: my very being proclaims.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10
Truth will prevail. It already has.