Monday, 20 October 2014

I am thrashing

I don't really know how I feel about it. I don't understand this tossing. And it kind of hurts. Sometimes I wonder if I let my heart be swayed by the wrong advice. Quite often I am sure I did. 

And yet I still sit here. 

I gasp for air. I thirst for the reassurance of a God that never did let go. I lose all sanity in utter rage, turning my back, stomping hard and slamming the door tight: when all He has done is hold me close. 

But why did I go through all that? Why? Why? Why?

This cannot simply be for the sake of it. This cannot be the end. But as hard as I try to squint the fog remains in my view. 

What is beyond all this?

Showing up in this life now makes me ache. 

His grace is enough - for what?

To keep me alive. Or am I to thrive. 

And what does this thriving look like. And what does it look like to just trust. And how do we say yes. Today. And tomorrow. And again. And again. 

This thrashing only highlights the choice we all have to make every. single. day.

I think really it is to be learnt again: this is a process. 

And sitting back is hard. And frustrating too. But it allows for a whole lot of noticing.

I wonder at his motives behind his advice - and then I wonder at mine. 

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

The space breaking point opens for God to move into the mundane.

Last week I hit breaking point. Twice. 

That point where your rational brain hits a wall, your emotions overflow and your body simply collapses. 

I don't like it when it happens. I like to be my own tower of strength. I like to hold the control and to feel like I have a handle on everything. 

And yet there I was completely falling under the pressure. 

How easy it is to mix falling and failing and to feel like a failure. 

Today I went back to my day in day out job. I went back to the making coffee, the serving: the same 6 questions. And the smiling. 

I went back and I found release in the repetition: in the mundane. 

But more than that I went back and found my eyes opened to Jesus at work. Because as depression takes yet another life I see each customer as who they are, I see the possibilities of the statistics they may fill and then beyond that into the ultimate truth of who their Creator says they are. 

And for me. For me I remembered how to pray again. I remembered the care that Jesus has for this very moment here: for the mundane. And I bend my heart towards Him and ask Him to step in as we have targets to reach, and food to sell. 

I didn't try to prove His existence, I didn't try to bring someone else to Him, I simply let Him in on the mundane repetitions of making coffee and selling food, and I can say for sure that He stepped in. Because though customers weren't in their thousands the paninis were flying off the shelf and by the power of the Holy Spirit I believe God moved in that place. 

Because yes there is a bigger picture, yes there is more to this story, but ultimately when God's child remembers again to turn to Him and simply asks for the paninis to sell, He really does have the choice to make that mountain move. 

God doesn't want us to get to breaking point but when we do He knows how to change it for good. How to use it to bring us back to Him and how to let it remind our hearts of who He names us. 

Friday, 4 July 2014

She rises: spiritual mums

I've known it for sometime. 

I've known that on Mother's Day i might not be in the season of life that gives me natural motherhood. But I've know that I am a spiritual mum. 

Not because of anything anyone has said or anything I've done but this feeling right down inside was screaming. Oh I place you as mum. 

And so I position myself to be this mum. 

And then Holly Wagner said it out loud. She spoke to the 50 year olds, the 30 something's, the 20s and the teenagers and the children. She said it out loud: you are all someone's spiritual mum. 

And then I decided I should stand in that place. Not just sit: but rise. 

And yesterday I did that. Yesterday I sat amongst these amazing young people. These girls-turning-women. And I got to whisper the words LOUD: you are loved. 

The world might label you as ugly, or fat, or not enough, you might be labelled with expectations, or all manner of things. But Jesus steps in - He always steps in - and He labels you as loved. 

He labels you as eternally loved. 

And what a privilege to be able to speak truth alongside those who spoke truth to me. What a privilege. 

May you know the truth that you have people in your life to learn from and you have people in your life who are learning from you. May you rise in that. And may you learn truth. And then may you speak truth.