Life has come out of death. In utter grief and pain, exhaustion and darkness, fear and irrationality there has come the birth of something new like I never imagined.
God spoke. And there was light. God speaks and there is.
In this upside down Kingdom where the first shall be last and the last shall be first. Where love and hope and light win. Where lambs roar. In this place I have found that I collapse at the knees, the life I thought I understood swiped from within my reach and as I spin and tumble beyond any sort of control I clench my fists in anger and frustration.
I was ready and expectant and open-minded. I had my hands, my heart and my eyes wide open as I took that step forward with trust and abandonment.
So how did I find myself shaking as darkness sunk its teeth into my flesh and the life and hope and rationality drained right from the innermost depths of myself? I have never felt fear so acutely. Oh I have been scared before, I have had my breath taken from me and I have known darkness to cloud over and my normal reactions to vanish. But that fades into nothingness compared to this.
It starts slow, just a thought popping up and then another, until they build and build. Then the shaking and shaking, the breathing quickens and then it deepens and then it stops, and shaking. This fear that takes over beyond rationality. It comes with the darkness and then a long night stretches out and how do you face that without a numbness.
I wonder if this is what God leaving looks like. If this is what overcame the world for 3 days as they hung their Saviour on a cross and then closed him out of sight: out of mind - behind rock and guards.
I wonder if I am just kidding myself along.
I go to church and I just cannot handle it. I have to mentally step back or have a melt down.
But, is that allowed to be because of the depth of my faith instead of the thin-ness?
I mean when it first all hit me in the face I just couldn't sing those words. I couldn't see the truth in them and they hurt. I couldn't even whisper them out of my mouth let alone holler them with my arms flung high.
But now? Now I feel the truth of them burn. Singeing the parts of me that were once happy with what was: now I see that this faith of mine has to take a new face on or it will collapse. Because it doesn't fit in that box anymore.
The doubt is not in a God who loves me but in the unknown. I trust and believe that truth shall prevail. That life and love and hope wins. But I doubt the how, the who and the when.
Somehow this all reconciles, somehow God reigns. Somehow beyond the missed appointments, the unwritten reports and the miswritten ones too there is God, His Son and the Spirit - intertwining themselves, bringing together the spinning plates as they align and become beautiful.
Somehow in this place of lies, and death, and destruction. As hope and joy are stolen. Love reigns. God wins. Snatch from me all that you want: God has all this and more in abundance.
There it is: strength simmering, until it boils over. He plants these seeds into the depths of me that I didn't know were there and the harvest is plentiful as life springs forth. The sun sets and the sun rises. And there is joy in the morning.