I thought choosing the word fearless would enable me, after three months I realise that actually it instead has drawn attention to my utter disablement.
For someone my age I've done quite a bit: young person of the year in my area - not many people can claim that one. It has taken a lot of stepping out of boxes.
At the beginning of last year, I felt brokenness. I can still recall that throttling pain, I needed a word to help me breathe. And I learnt the art of Now. In doing so I gained the confidence to take on Fearless this year.
I guess I imagined myself riding in on a horse with a sword or something and slaying down this "fear". But more and more I just realise how broken I really am.
I can't do it. I don't like doing it. And really it was easier when I played it safe - when I stayed inside my comfort zones and let everyone carry me along.
Fearless is a lot less about finding something in the depths of me and more about releasing the control. Letting go.
I don't choose Fearlessness. I choose Jesus. I choose to draw nearer. To thirst more. To breathe Him in.
And it's Him. It's Him as love - perfect love, that casts out all fear.
Every day I have to open my hands. I have to stop clasping. Clinging. Sitting in the darkness.
As I sit in this grace-space here. As I look at what this three months has done in my heart. All I want is to be held.
This was less of a quest and more of a falling.
Fearless is firstly about letting go. It is about grace. And hope. And FREEDOM - but ultimately: Jesus.
It is about letting go of this empty faith that can only trust God so far, and stepping into the land where impossibilities dance.
There are three words: three MIGHTY words that say it all: It is finished.
It. Is. Finished.
No longer will fear have power. Or control. Or a hold.
It is finished. Love has won. God sits on the throne of grace and casts out all fear.
I pray that I live in that. That we live in that. That we realise truth. That we realise our humanity but let it go and find the supernatural that chooses to dwell among.
God is here. He has come. He declared the war won, He declared it finished. May we choose this freedom.